- Goodbyes make you wish you could go without leaving
- Goodbyes are dark clouds that overcast the blue sky of the future and cry raindrops on the path of the present.
- Goodbyes wear like a nagging pebble in your shoe, making it difficult to think of anything else on your journey.
- Goodbyes are the question mark that punctuate a calling.
- Goodbyes welcome a corresponding door of opportunity.
Category: Musings
I will be with you
I’m not worthy to walk in the way God has called me. Tonight I begged for a confirmation, selfishly desiring a dream or a voice from heaven telling me that the gifts He has given me are perfect for the task.
Instead, in the midst of my tears, He reminded me of Moses’ calling. The conversation between God and Moses in Exodus 3 went like this:
“Come, I will send you.”
“Who am I, God?”
“I will be with you.”
There is no affirmation of self-worth; just the power of God in me.
Photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash
Alone? Not at all.
There is something I know in my head but forget in my heart.
Do you ever look at your believing friends–those people you see every Sunday and meet for coffee during the week–and get overwhelmed by their spiritual “giantness”?
At times, exchanging a deep spiritual dialogue or having someone shower you with love strengthens your walk with God. Other times though, it discourages you. At least if you’re like me.
Sometimes, when I see flawless spirituality in others, I feel insignificant. I feel dirty. And selfish. My mind replays my past sins one by one.
“I’ll do better. I’ll try harder to be like my friend!”
Those are the times I feel the most alone; it’s as if no one can identify with the monster inside my sinful shell. No one else faces my daily temptations. No one else has to struggle with their thought life. No one else makes selfish choices that destroy trust in a relationship.
Have you ever thought that? Well, here’s a little bit of truth for you (and me):
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.”
1 Cor. 10:13a
You’ve probably heard that a thousand times. Maybe two thousand. But the truth hasn’t changed. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Whatever you’re struggling with has been struggled with before by someone else…maybe someone is even struggling with it right now. And not just one someone but enough someones to make it “common to man.”
Depending on how you look at that, it’s encouraging. But wait; lest knowing that others have the same struggles makes us gloss over our sinfulness. There’s more:
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Cor. 10:13b
Having a faithful God means that we shouldn’t yield to temptation so that His grace may abound. God forbid! (Rom. 6:1) Without rejoicing in others’ failures, we can realize we’re not the only one in our boat, paddling furiously against temptation’s current. Others are in the boat with us. What would happen if we would paddle together without fear and without judgment?
Enough of this silently drowning in our own shame! We have an “very present help in trouble” (Ps. 46:1). We are not alone. Not at all.
Bittersweet release
Here I am at the coffee shop, thinking that there’s just something melancholy about today.
Dark clouds sprinkle the sky, peppering brick storefronts with moving shadows. Somehow watching the sun and rain play tag makes me not want to go.
I got my ticket today; I’m excited! ecstatic! but also nostalgic. Am I ready to introduce another home to my heart? Can I really say goodbye to life as it is?
These aren’t doubts exactly because I already know the answer to these questions is “yes.” But must feeling fulfilled in a calling always be preceded by a bittersweet release? Perhaps I just want to have my cake and eat it too…
Listen
Sometimes, I imagine I’m a well-known writer. The truth is, however, that I have a hard time expressing myself. Emotions often don’t translate well into prose.
But tonight I’m thinking that maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Expressing myself doesn’t have to be my notable character attribute. What if I were a good listener instead?
My time of training in New York brought out reflective questions: Do I listen with my heart? Do I hear the longings behind the words people are saying? Or am I too preoccupied with finding an avenue of expressing myself?
God used New York for my “ah-ha!” moment. The real training has started since I’ve been home. So many people need listening to. What have I been missing out on all these years?
Today I had lunch with a lady from church who shared some of the struggles of being a mom. In class tonight, a student told me about the discrimination she sometimes faces as an immigrant. Just when I thought I’d used up my daily quota of compassion, another acquaintance expressed concern over potentially losing her job over a moral issue.
So, I listened. Now what? What exactly does “weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) look like from day to day?
I guess I’m still learning.
A Steinway afternoon
Despite the diversity of New York City, Steinway street is different for me. It feels as if God is showing me a map with a red arrow and a clarifying “You are here” hovering over Steinway Street. This is very well what my life might look like for the next year while I’m in North Africa.
What are these people really like? What are their hopes, longings, and hurts?
- A woman escorting her aging mother to the doctor.
- A Lebanese man selling pastries.
- A man with a leg injury, lingering outside of the mosque.
- An middle-aged Egyptian couple–he sipping coffee and she rattling Arabic, hoping for someone to see her beyond the Alzheimer’s.
- A young lady with heavy, dark makeup–guarded and watchful.
- A sales clerk turning every hopeful conversation into a potential sale.
“They don’t know! They don’t know You.”
TELL THEM.
Sand castles
Last weekend I was in Ohio for a seminar. It was incredible. One of the most applicable things I learned all weekend was an analogy that exemplified a principle.
Picture yourself and your siblings as children playing in the sand. Each of you is building your own sand castle. But building a sand castle is more effective with more than one builder. You begin to strategize how you can get your siblings to help you build your castle:
You could approach their castles, mocking them: “You’re building it all wrong! How silly! It doesn’t even look like a castle!” Maybe you’d even kick over a tower.
Or you could focus on your castle, building it up with your words as well as with your hands. You could talk about your plans for your castle. “Look at this! Isn’t it great?! I want a double moat around it here… and don’t you think it would look nice to extend it out this way?”
“Religion”=Sand castle
Which method would be more likely to attract people to what you believe? Think about it.
Photo by Hello I’m Nik on Unsplash
No longer practical or safe
I needed guidance so I asked for a sign. He showed me Gideon’s life: how a normal man became radically obedient to God and consequently did things that didn’t make sense. Neither would my life make sense, He said.
Then He took me through the woods to a clearing overlooking the water. The sweet musk of rotting wood and damp leaves pervaded the quiet space. There He told me that in staying safe, I would miss a deeper relationship with Him.
I came home, burdened with thought. Isn’t it natural to want to be practical? After all, God gave us brains with the intention that we use them.
Gideon’s army was about 1/6 of the Midianite army; using every available man would have been the only practical thing to do outside of waving a flag of surrender. Yet God said, “The people with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel boast over me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me'” (Judges 7:2). Like the children of Israel, am I boasting my own strength? Dare I weed out my self-sufficiency to see that it is not I who prevails but He who is within me?
And as for safety, it’s second from the bottom in the pyramid of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Humans need to feel safe even before love, esteem, and self-actualization. Of course, I’m not acknowledging Abraham Maslow as the expert on all things psychological; however, his study reveals the human desire for safety. We rarely put ourselves in danger’s way unless we somehow feel in control. To always be safe is like the fetus who never exits the mother’s womb. Never will he grow and mature into a child, teenager, adult. Never will he taste life’s richness unless he becomes unsafe. Am I ready to face the world outside of the womb?
Why am I blogging anyway?
My plan was to start a blog when I moved overseas. That way, my family and friends could tune in to my exotic adventures as I trotted the globe. But what am I waiting for? Every day holds an adventure. Sometimes it’s the little things, like talking to an immigrant in their own language. Or sometimes it’s the big things like answering the unsettling question “What should I do with my life?”
My family teases me about how often I ask that question. But is there only one best option? When I was 16, I knew that by 28, I would have the job I loved most in my heart of hearts. Looking back now, I smirk at my idealization of age. I’m 28 and the only clear direction I have is God’s call: “Glorify Me.”
But how? Through the last years, I’ve been down many paths, always with the dream of settling down and being fulfilled… like most people seem to do by my age. But what if “Glorify Me” were not a precise career plan, but a heart attitude?
What if our sense of fulfillment had everything to do with our heart attitude and little to do with our place in life? Wouldn’t we stop working so hard to make our surroundings perfect and learn how to praise no matter where we were? I’m rambling; if I had everything figured out, I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable and imperfect now.
Guess what! God calls the imperfect! Think about it. Did God wait until Abraham was perfect before He called him “to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance”? If he had, Abraham never would have gone out, “not knowing where he was going,” an act of great faith (Heb. 11:8). What about Rebekah? She was called to be the wife of Isaac, but was she perfect? Was David? Esther? The disciples? Paul? Know this: God will not wait until you are perfect to call you. If you’re a perfectionist like me, that sounds catastrophic. We have great plans, but only after we have whittled ourselves away to the pulp of our own perfection. However, the point is not that we be perfect, but that we become a work-in-progress, a living sacrifice.
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”
(Rom. 12:1)
This is our calling.
My Thoughts From Afar | 