Much blessings

This morning, a friend sent a voice message that ended with “Much blessings!”

Her non-native English made me smile; I love the way she talks. “Many blessings” is grammatically correct–my work email even signs off with that–because blessings are individual and countable. Or are they? We count our blessings, the many ways which we are thankful for what God has given us, but can we really count them all?

I’m pondering this on after saying goodbye to visitors who celebrated life with me. We toured an Arab fortress, a cathedral, and a greenhouse. We strolled the beach, picnicked by mountain springs, housecleaned, marketed, and tasted lots of foods. And my favorite parts were the conversations, prayers, and laughter woven through all of it. My friends brought gifts and letters from home. On the board above my desk, hang two letters from a nephew and a niece who are big enough to write in beautiful cursive and sign their letters, “Yours truly” and “Love.”

And this week, I have another visitor–one I’ve been looking forward to seeing since… well, since a long time.

With all of the extra activity infused with normal life and work, I sometimes struggle to keep up. Yet, I am filled, sandwiched here between the goodness that was and the goodness that is to come.

“Much blessings” describes this perfectly, I think.

And can it be…?

It’s my responsibility to choose the songs for our Sunday sunrise service. The Easter Sunday selection often falls on me, I think, or maybe it’s just a reflection of how many years I’ve been in Spain to have the selection fall on me (or a reflection of my age and coinciding inability to remember).

There is an overwhelming number of songs to choose from. The traditional hymns that make the male voices boom, “Up. From. The grave. He. Arose!” to some of the newer songs that encompass Jesus’ life and passion. I only get to choose a few, but that doesn’t stop me from snooping through other people’s Spotify playlists.

What are some of your favorites? And why?

One of mine (one of many) is “And Can It Be, That I Should Gain?” by Charles Wesley (1738). The lyrics are powerful, the music beautiful (especially with an organ!). The hymn starts with questions, evoking shame and guilt.

And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior's blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain?
For me, who Him to death pursued?

The hymn goes on to share the mystery and grit of the Savior’s death followed by the hymn writer’s own testimony of freedom and life from the living “Christ my own.” Yet, through the entire song, we are pulled back to the refrain:

Amazing love! how can it be
That Thou, my God, should die for me?

A reminder of our helplessness before God without Jesus’ death and resurrection for “Adam’s helpless race.” A reason to celebrate Resurrection Day with gratitude.

Photo by Henrique Jacob on Unsplash

Some of what’s been happening recently

Trying to have a day of rest

I would sleep all day tomorrow, I decided. After a filled-to-the-brim month, my body was worn out.

Then the instructor from a nearby language school responded to an email that evening, asking to meet at 9 a.m. the next morning. I tried not to panic–“Nine o’clock on my day off!?”–and kept reading the email. “Or 12:00.” I supposed I could drag myself out of bed by then and agreed. But I must have been a little too agreeable because I ended up agreeing to start Spanish class the following Monday, although I hadn’t meant to.

My agreeable mood would be tested yet again. Early in the afternoon, my landlady messaged me. “The grandpa upstairs died. His funeral mass is at 6:30.” The “grandpa upstairs” had always been kind. I hadn’t seen him often, but when I’d stop by to visit, he’d invite me in to sit and chat. I knew his three daughters by sight, but attend his funeral? Why oh why had my landlady told me about it? I could no longer feign ignorance.

I pictured myself tromping into the Spanish funeral mass, outrageously uncatholic. What kind of rituals would they perform? Would I be required to take part? Goodness, what in the world would I wear? My only pair of dress shoes had long since passed their prime. I meticulously de-pilled my black sweater.

“It would be good to go, wouldn’t it? I don’t know your culture very well…” I tried, hoping that my landlady would say that it wasn’t a big deal. I wanted a loophole so I could conveniently lose my nerve.

“Yes, clearly.”

All righty then.

As it turned out, several of the pallbearers wore hoodies and sneakers, and I don’t think people bothered to notice my scruffy dress shoes at all.

Ramadan

All year long, we can pretend that we aren’t so different after all. Then Ramadan starts and suddenly we’re at a fork in the road. I choose one way and my friends choose the other. I catch myself lingering there at the fork, wondering how many want to go that way and how many go because that’s how it’s done.

Yes, Ramadan has a way of waking me up again.

A creep at my elbow

I was meandering to a local shop on a sunny afternoon when a presence at my elbow startled me. The presence wasn’t inclined to pass me. Oh brother. A creep. Adrenaline shot through my veins as decided what to do.

Then he greeted me. And grinned, like the twerp he can be sometimes, when he realized that he had successfully disconcerted me.

Interns.

Breaking the fast with pre-packaged cakes

The call to prayer sounded. Allahu Akbar! Time to break the fast.

Noura, the lady beside me, closed her eyes and whispered a prayer. I sat in my bus seat, still and alert, curious what the Muslims around me would do to break the fast. Or if the cantankerous bus driver would allow them to do anything at all.

“I don’t have anything halal!” The guys in the seat behind me frantically rustled through the plastic bags at their feet.

Ashhadu alla ilaha illallah!

Then they broke the fast with pre-packaged cakes, half dipped in chocolate. Hayya ‘alas-Salah!

After rustling up their own ftur, they began offering cakes to the Muslims around them. A sub-Saharan man declined politely. They threw a package to one of their buddies in the front and he caught it with a crackle. Then across the aisle to another buddy. Last, they peeked through the gap of the seat in front of them.

“Is she North African or Romanian?” they asked each other. My ethnicity was in question. Noura turned to me with a smirk. I smirked back.

“Sister, do you want one?” one asked at last.

I smiled. “No, thank you.”

“She’s a Christian,” said Noura.

And I’d been eating all day.

Utilizing distractions

The last few weeks have both drained and filled me in ways I’m not even sure I can explain. Oddly enough, one of the things that helped me cope with overwhelming emotions was reading a chapter book to my oldest nieces and nephews, sending a chapter or two each day via voice message. My family is full of avid readers and listeners, which makes the escape of a good story enjoyable for all of us.

Did I just use the word “escape”?

I used to think distractions were an emotionally weak way to deal with an issue. I still think that they can be just that. But they can also give time to let emotions settle. A well-timed distraction can keep us from panicking, growing numb, or tuning out. A distraction contains the issue–good or bad–for a time until we’ve worked up the strength to deal with it.

Even when I manage to relinquish my preoccupation to the Lord, I still find it helpful to distract myself so I don’t snatch it back from His capable hands. You might find me organizing my pantry while listening to an audio book or praying aloud. Or deciding an across-town shopping trip must be done today, on foot, at tip-top speed. Or making a detailed and utterly useless list.

At some point, the issue must be addressed–the change faced, the sorrow grieved–and distractions must come to an end. We cannot heap distraction upon distraction and expect positive results.

Today as I was leafing through an old Bible study book, I saw that I had written an “escape plan,” practical steps to exchange my burdens for the yoke of Christ. “Stop. Praise. Pray. Distract. Share.” My goal had been to post these steps somewhere, but the idea got lost in the shuffle of life. Until today.

I guess I needed the reminder that distractions, useful as they are, are a means to an end and not the end themselves.

What am I fit for?!

If you’ve ever given your heart to more than one place in this world, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

I am in a culture that is not my own; yet, in a strange way, I feel like I belong. But I will never fully belong because this is not who I am. Paradoxically, returning to the place I most expect to belong is not as comfortable as it used to be. I’ve changed, adapted, conformed–or whatever you want to call it–to my new culture, and I can’t go back without wearing that change.

One evening not long ago, I was on my way home when suddenly confusion washed over me. Where was I going? “If I were to go to the homiest home I can think of right now, where would I go?” I asked myself. My flat in Spain? My room at my parents’ house? Or any of the other places I’ve lived in my lifetime?

The concept of “home” was foggy, like waking from a dream and expecting to be in one place but being thousands of miles away instead.

When I feel that sense of homelessness, I think of Eliza Doolittle in the musical My Fair Lady. As the result of a wager between two learned men, Eliza has been transformed from a street flower girl into a proper lady. But now the experiment is done, and she is turned loose. But to where? In one world, she can only ever be an imposter; in the other world, she has changed too much to go back and belong. “What am I fit for?!” she cries.

I feel that agony sometimes. I want the luxury of fully belonging to one home and one culture, of not being different or feeling misplaced.

But this strange in-between space is also held in the hand of my loving Father. Today, that is enough. And tomorrow it will be too.

Photos don’t capture life

For the past 10 days or so, I have been enjoying a dear friend’s visit…and then savoring the lingering memories. Below are some of the photos from our time together. But remember that photos don’t capture life. Not really.

We spend a few wonderful days in rainy Córdoba. We wore plastic bags on our feet to keep out the puddles and streams and broke into delighted gasps whenever the valiant sun peeked through the gray clouds. “It hasn’t rain all this time, and then you came and it rained,” laughed my Cordoban friend when we met for coffee and then an Indian dinner.

arches of mosque-cathedral in Cordoba — Photo credit: M.B.

Back in Almería, we went up the mountain with teammates to watch the sun set, sifted through produce at the market, ate churros and pastries, enjoyed a British breakfast and crashing waves on one the windiest days of the year… and a gorgeous, sunny beach just 24 hours later. We also climbed Almería’s alcazaba and spent an afternoon admiring pottery in the town of Níjar. On her last evening, three of us celebrated Valentine’s Day with cheese fondue.

colorful fruit and vegetable market stall — Photo credit: M.B.

blue sea with blue sky and sailboat — Photo credit: M.B.

Arab fortress wall with city beyond — Photo credit: M.B.

elderly woman painting pottery — Photo credit: M.B.

But we don’t have pictures of those long heart-to-hearts or the laughter that erupted from just being together. Those are the real memories.

Foodie nights

This summer, I was encouraged to add recreational activities to my regular schedule. “What do I enjoy doing?” I asked myself. My default pleasure activity has always been reading, any free time passing with my nose in a book. But surely that wasn’t all I enjoyed.

Then I remembered that I like puttering around in the kitchen when I have purpose but no pressure. The remembrance felt like walking into the embrace of a dear friend, so when I returned to Spain, I determined to make time for recreational cooking.

Roughly every other weekend, but sometimes in another available time here or there, I plan a time for recreational cooking. I call it a “foodie night,” but mostly just to myself because, truth be told, I’m not a foodie; I just like trying a new recipe now and then without the pressure of it needing to turn out.

The foodie night process starts long before the evening I get to try out a new recipe. It starts with ideas–maybe an ingredient I see that I didn’t know I could get here in Spain, or something someone else mentions they made. Then I hunt down a recipe, gather ingredients from hither and yon around town (and invent substitutions for those I can’t find). And maybe the recipe requires a little prep beforehand. At last, foodie night arrives, and I pull out my collection of ingredients, turn on some music, and take my time.

Here’s what I’ve made so far:

Miso soup ⭐
Spring rolls with shrimp, cucumber, carrot, and mint dipped in peanut sauce ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Miso soup again ⭐
Gelatin gummies ⭐
100% Rye bread, recipe #1 ⭐
Sugar-free chocolate mousse ⭐⭐⭐⭐
100% Rye bread again, recipe #2 ⭐⭐
100% Rye bread for the third time, recipe #3 ⭐⭐

Perhaps the stars say it all. They surely tell you that you’re glad you weren’t around to taste test!

I decided that miso is an acquired taste that I don’t feel like acquiring. Or maybe I chose the wrong recipes to try. Who knows? The only thing the spring rolls were missing was more shrimp. My tight-wad amount of shrimp was masked by the show-stealing peanut sauce. The gelatin gummies were a nice thought, but just tasted like bland finger Jell-O. And then began the rye bread saga. The flavor was right every time…but I was always disappointed by the incredible density that made it more chewy than pleasurable. The last loaf puffed promisingly in the oven, but collapsed when I removed it. The chocolate mousse was a modest success, but only with myself since I didn’t share it with anyone.

Although many of these attempts didn’t turn out like I had envisioned, it doesn’t really matter. The joy of the process was exactly what I had envisioned.

A stray in Andalusia

I hefted my bag onto the closest seat as the bus lurched forward, nearly carrying the rest of me and mine down the aisle. But I caught the seat handle just in time and wrestled off my backpack.

It was one of those four seater sections of the bus where two passengers faced another two passengers. The kind of seat I typically avoid because I dislike riding backwards and letting my knees protrude into someone else’s territory. But today, the bus was full and at a quick glance, it didn’t seem like there were many other options.

The woman across from me, knees against mine, watched me curiously. I smiled and decided, given the close quarters, not to mention that I was still getting over the flu. I was trying to subtly clear the cough in my throat when her questions began, each in thick Andalusian. “Where are you from? Where do you live? What’s your name?”

Every time I replied, she broadcasted my answer over her shoulder to an elderly gentleman sitting a row back. He watched me with delight, his eyes peering between the clouds of white which were his head and chin.

“Where do you live in Mytown?”

“Close to Central Market.”

“SHE LIVES CLOSE TO CENTRAL MARKET.”

“Oh, Central Market!”

This was how the interrogation went as I bounced along backwards, feeling both annoyed and amused that everyone on the bus now had access to my personal data. She began to preface questions with my name, dragging my attention away from the window where I was pretending that I had forgotten she was there. I kept my answers to the point, swallowing back the coughing fit that kept swelling in my airway.

“How long have you lived here?”

“Six years.”

“SHE HAS LIVED HERE SIX YEARS.”

“Ah! Six years.”

Andalusians, pleasant as they are, have a way of reducing me to the feeling that I’ve just stepped off the plane. They pick me up like a stray. Under their burning curiosity, I get tongue-tied. Getting tongue-tied leads to falling behind in the conversation. Falling behind is a blow to my confidence, which in turn, makes me appear ignorant and lost. That’s when I try to preserve my fizzling dignity by looking for an escape.

Fast forward to not many days after my backwards bus ride to find a friend and me face to face with three abrupt police officers. This time, curiosity was backed by the authority of the uniform.

“What are you doing here?”

Suddenly, I felt as if I were wandering into territory that was not mine for the wandering. I was three and half blocks from home and I felt like they had found me lost.

“Where are you from? Holland? Russia?”

I had never been stopped by police officers before. I don’t even have a speeding ticket to my name (although, I can’t say I’ve never deserved one). A few questions in, I realized they didn’t believe we had done anything wrong, but they were curious who we were and why we were in this particular neighborhood. Their method was protection by intimidation. Not very effective, but very Andalusian.

Once again, the stray puppy was held up for examination and then sent home. Literally this time.

“Go home. You’ll get robbed here.” As if I didn’t live three and a half blocks away. As if I hadn’t been living three and a half blocks away for three years.

Sometimes, I just want to make a list of all of the things I’ve experienced and survived in life and hand it to the next person who tries to protect my presumed naivete. My list may not be long, but I’m guessing it’s longer than a stray puppy’s.

If I get lung cancer, it’s Spain’s fault

When I walk down the street, more often than not, I find myself walking behind someone with a smoldering cigarette. If I can’t speed around them, I try to get out of their wake but end up bumping into oncoming pedestrians.

Why does this happen so often, you ask? It’s not Murphy’s law, so don’t bother blaming it on him. Actually, it’s because so many Spaniards smoke.

One of the first things I noticed when I returned to Spain this fall was the smells. Cigarette smoke, cologne, cigarette smoke, body odor, cigarette smoke, car fumes, cigarette smoke–oh, and to break it up a little, weed.

I was walking home from the market one morning when a middle-aged lady stopped me and asked for a light. I was curious; did I look like I smoked? Or was it an assumption given my geographical location?

Last week, a group of us huddled in a bus stop, trying to hide from the chilly breeze within the three protective walls. Without warning, two of the ladies lit up, forcing the rest of us to choose between the chill or the fumes. Rude? Well, I’m in Spain and this is how it’s done among the young, old, rich, poor, and everything in between.

Until I start carrying my own tank of purified air, I suppose I will continue inhaling secondary smoke. It’s life here, for better or for worse, and I’m the one who chose to live here. I’m just saying that if I get lung cancer someday, it’s probably Spain’s fault!

“Savor” to “survive” and back again

Last year, I succumbed to the pressure of choosing a word for the year. Many find this practice useful, helping them to reestablish their life’s purpose and set achievable goals and the like. I, however, have never found it particularly helpful, typically forgetting my chosen word by mid-February at the latest.

But, like I said, last year I succumbed again. After sorting through a list of candidates, I selected “savor.” My choice came from a desperate attempt to hang on to the shreds that life was offering me.

Ironically, I didn’t forget my word last year. But I watched as it morphed from “savor” to “survive.” That change stung because it didn’t even feel like a choice.

I survived the coming summer heat, physical exhaustion, the hours upon hours of traveling, coordination, public speaking, and the other things I don’t typically enjoy. I smiled as I networked and made new connections and friends and caught up with dear old friends. I was glad…but savor? No. I felt like I was clutching at the precious moments as they passed by.

So here I am at the beginning of a new year, analyzing the last one and seeing that, in its own way, last year was indeed something I could savor. The moments still slipped by too quickly, but their accumulation brought healing. That frantic juggling of a schedule allowed me to see a doctor and finally get some answers. Those times with friends squeezed into my trips and around my trips gave me the input and support I desperately needed. And the list goes on.

So I look back on 2023 and savor the memories because I am a little more mature, a little more like Jesus because of the stories of last year.

That said, I think I’ll refrain from choosing a word for 2024; it’s too much pressure!

What about you? Have you chosen a word for this year?